So Freaking Done.

I'm so over it all.  Everything.  Everyone.

I will always be disappointed.  Always.  

You disappoint me.  Yes, you.

If this is what the rest of life is like... I don't know if I'm up for it.

Why the hell?

It's one thing to beat yourself up.  It's another for your best friend to confirm what you don't want to think is true.

I've never believed more in my life that I am indeed flawed and undesirable.  Awesome.

It's 1:30 and I'm in no way ready to go to sleep.  I'm trying to blog it out, but nothing comes to mind.  

Before Today

Prior to today, the concept of cancer and dying always seemed so far away.  I prayed for people and talked with others about it, but had never truly experienced either of those things.

Today changed everything.

It's surreal.  It's breath-taking.  

One minute you are heading to support a love in need.  The next you are being told in a somewhat dream state that those masses are indeed what they thought they were and that we're in it for the long haul.

Before today I never knew how much I really really loved my family.  I mean, we all "love" our family.  But today I realized how much they are a part of me and how much I could not be the person I am without them.  

Today I realized that I am blessed in so many insignificant ways.  I just quit my job.  Excessive free time?  Yes!  Coincidence?  I think not.  I also have this same family is not my immediate family, but yet I am a part of theirs.  I must be there for them.  They've always been there for me.  Now it is my turn to cry, laugh, and love right along with them.  My heart just aches today.

I also have a pretty amazing friend that I am so fortunate to have.  There aren't words for the gratitude, and yes, I would absolutely, in a heart beat, do the same for you.

Before today, life was just moving right along.  Today everything stopped.  The world kept moving, but my life and life of those that I love came to a screeching halt.  

Pause.  Readjust.  Continue.  

That is the order that will now be my life.  Life lessons.   So hard to learn sometimes.

Foolish

There are reasons why deriving your self-worth from other people is a bad thing.

It gets messy really really fast.  It gets complicated.  And the only person to blame is yourself.

I loved the retreat today.  Bonding with women who I didn't know and those that I did.  I love to fish.  And I took my pants off.  Who does that?

The only worth that is dependable is the worth that one finds in God.  I love that we talked about that today.  It was good to voice it.  To show a bit of the dark and scary parts.

Sleepless nights often provide the most clarity.  Thank God for sleepless nights.  Is something distracting you from seeing what you are supposed to be seeing?  Don't worry.  God will make sure that it won't be an obstacle so you can truly see what you are supposed to see.  

Can't be mad at anyone but me.  

Some things take more time than I would like for them to.  I wish that certain things would just go ahead and pass.  All the messy and complicated things.  

I forgot how to walk a certain line.  Good thing I walked on the side of self preservation this time.  Not to say that anything was crushed or ended... It's just that now things will be what they're intended to be and not what I thought they should be.  

Clarity.  Sometimes it comes how you least expected that it would.

Be the Remedy.

Tonight was the first night that I actually felt like what we want to accomplish within our community was possible.

There is an outcry for love and community.  It's almost deafening.  

As we sat around that table and discussed pros and cons and ups and downs I realized that we are capable.  We are a group that was patched together by love so that all of our many talents can pull off events that will change our community... or rather bind it together in strength.  

We aren't in it for our own self-glorification.  That was SO apparent.  How can we make this better next time?  What is something that will bring people in?

I love our group.  I love all of you so much and I don't know if I'll ever be able to express how much.  These are the hearts I've been searching for.  These are the souls that I knew existed.  I knew I could not be alone.

I love it.

And I can't be more excited.

For Me.

I can run a 5k in 47 days.  And I will.

I may be a little fat and a tad on the lazy side...  But I can definitely do this.  

Determination.  I don't know where it came from.... but I'm not going to question it.

"This is your life, are you who you want to be?"

Oh to be young and free again.

So much happening lately.

I'm sort of starting to love how my life is unfolding.  It's amazing what experience can do for you... over time.  I love seeing my relationships change and grow into something so wonderful and unexpected.  I have certain relationships that are being refined like a fine wine, while others are still so fresh and new.  It's experience that has taught me to be careful with the new relationships.  Don't give so much of yourself away so quickly.  Part of the fun is the journey to the destination.

Patience.  Always learning patience.

I have achieved sort of an inner peace lately.  I just know that everything is going to be okay.  Somehow.  Somehow, it will all work out.  "It all comes out in the wash", right?  I'm learning to trust in a whole new way.  I used to be filled with such anger and hate... but now I know that everyone is just trying.  We're all just trying to make it through.  There is no room for judgment or assumptions.  Finding the inner peace has not been a great experience.  Oh turmoil.  It has its place in life, doesn't it?  

I recently had a chance to be a part of something pretty wonderful.  It was amazing.  The people, the atmosphere, the worship.  I was so proud.  So proud that I cried.  You guys deserve it, I hope you know that.  I'm not some superfan.  I'm just a friend who is downright joyous to see her friends that have changed her life change so many others through such an amazing gift.  Words cannot express :)

I'm trying to relish this moment.  This moment of calm.  Life is never calm for long.  I've learned to savor peace.  Savor the moments that are just commonplace.  This is life at its best.  

Am I stressed?  You betcha.  But am I letting it control me?  Hell no.

Tonight I relived a lot of my past through phone conversations, facebook, and old blogs.  I was just about to start in with the "have the best moments of my life already passed?" thoughts when I realized that could not be true.  The best is yet to come and babe won't it be fine.  I think that is the best attitude for all times and all situations.

2 years and counting.

Vindicated

I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am
Flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now 
The things you swore you saw yourself.